Another Banking Crisis

Some years ago my wife and I almost went on staff for "Family Life," a division of "Campus Crusade for Christ." We filled out all the paperwork, did well during all our phone interviews, and were among 5 couples who were flown down to their Arkansas headquarters to possibly get into their ministry. I still marvel at the fact that of 60 couples that applied for a possible position there, among the 5 finalists were my wife and I. Needless to say things didn't work out there and God had me stay put in my current line of work.

Though not an "official expert" on marriage and family life, I do believe I have gleaned some things about marriage over the years that may be helpful to those struggling in by far the most "sanctifying" of relationships. I know that many who enter in the covenant of marriage have done so through a church service of some sorts. I wonder how many really pay attention to their marriage vows they recited on their glorious day. This, is a good place to start. A written reminder of those vows placed in a conspicuous place in the home for friends and family to see is a good idea so a couple can be frequently reminded of the oath they took before God and many witnesses. This is no cure all by any means but I think it is helpful to go into a marriage expectations that it will be difficult and you need to be reminded of that so you can both have your "A" game going on even when you may not feel up to it.

There are some other things to consider as far as roles are considered. Husbands must realize that they need to submit first and foremost to Christ. He alone will teach you how to model a biblical manhood that will demonstrate love for your wife. Wives, need to submit to their husbands, and respect them. This in turn will make it easier for a husband to love his bride since a nagging, independent wife often will be like a "dripping fawcett" to a husband. These concepts hopefully resonate to most who have at least a rudimentary understanding of orthodox Christianity, and hopefully reminding oneself of these precepts now and again will help in the often "roll up your sleeves" type work that is marriage.

I'm sure though you would like some specific practical advice to help out in your current marriage, to keep yourself tempted from and affair, and most of all protecting your covenant with God from disintegrating into the ugly realm of divorce. A good place to start is by thinking of your marriage as like a bank account. Obviously the money you place there is your investment and you want to preserve it and even watch it grow. There are 2 important transactions you make with your account; withdrawals and deposits. These same transactions in some ways are made in your marriage, but instead of money, you are either making deposits of love to your spouse, or you are making withdrawals.

Let me illustrate a point. When I come home from work and see my wife busy with dishes or other mundane household tasks, at this time I begin to make a transaction. If I say, "Honey, let me finish what you are doing and you go take a break," then I am demonstrating love and care for her and this in turn is a love deposit that I place in our account. If I decide to park my ass in front of the boob tube and decide my relaxation is the most important thing in life at that time, then I am making a withdrawal and demonstrating a lack of love and care for my wife. Now these transactions are constantly taking place throughout the life of a marriage, and if there amount of withdrawals reaches a "tipping point" then a marriage may reach a crisis level and before long you may end up "hating each others guts."

A best way to avoid this is to evaluate your relationship with God and make sure you are in a covenant community with other Christian believers, a.k.a. the church. This is the where the pulse of God is and is a safety net for a couple to avoid isolating themselves from the larger community. Too often, couples having struggles, become defeated by the bad habits they have created within their marriage. Perhaps if they had been involved with other Christians, those who model good, healthy, relationships, they would have been able to avoid some of the pitfalls that ultimately ruined their marriage.

I am not suggesting this is easy. The above advice is not a magic "twitch of a nose" Samantha Stevens, "Bewitched" type of thing. Still, God is a loving father who can change hardened hearts. The question is whether one is humble enough to show repentance, and willing enough to pursue a loving relationship that entails lots of sacrifice.

One last point. A marriage counselor once told a story of a married couple who were persuaded to try counseling as a last shot to save their marriage. The counselor asked the husband to say one good thing about his wife. The man who was seated far from his wife and whose body langage clearly demonstrated his displeasure with being there and in the company of his wife said he couldn't think of any. The counselor said he would wait. After about 5 miinutes of deafening silence the husband said, "She is a good cook." The counselor asked the same question of the wife and she had a similar response. This tit for tat went on for about an hour and over time the couple began to soften and realized there were lots of good traits the other had, yet somehow became lost in their anger and bitterness. This was all due to a "banking crisis" that was never addressed where love deposits were never made and in turn were replaced by anger and ever hate.

Sobering stuff. But God is a great physician and He can heal even the most hurting of souls. If this blog is speaking to you, have hope if you have been hurt by divorce. But if you can work to restore a marriage on the ropes, please don't give up, God can help.